I have a very close friend who never comes to visit me. We’ve known each other since childhood, and over the years I have traveled to see her in the many places—even foreign countries—where she’s lived. But she has not returned the effort, and this has begun to grate on me. I feel wronged but also humiliated in some way—as if I’m not interesting or fun enough to be worth visiting.
Sure, people have suffered far worse fates at the hands of others than simply not being visited, but this small injustice has been taking up a lot of my psychic space, and I’ve begun to wonder what these emotions are doing to my health.
So I called Stephen Post, a bioethicist who studies altruism and health, and he recommended that I forgive my friend. It turns out that forgiveness is actually good for you.
“Forgiveness is really about letting go of bitterness and hostility,” he tells me. “You might find yourself driving down the highway, thinking again about how someone hurt you three years ago. That kind of rumination is a very strong human tendency, but it’s not very good for us.”
Anger triggers our stress response, that quick-run-there’s-a-snake reaction that elevates our cortisol, or stress hormone, levels. “Anger is very healthy, but only in small doses,” Post says. Feeling indignant about being wronged—I am worthy of visiting—is an important act of self-protection.
But when anger is left “turned on,” says Post, “it can overwhelm and possess you.” Anger can trigger a heart attack, among other negative consequences. On the flip side, forgiveness has been linked in multiple studies to improved health outcomes: One 2003 study, for example, found that cardiac patients who were angry had decreased blood flow to their hearts; those who were able to forgive others did not.
That sounds like an easy enough idea, but the act of forgiving someone can be quite hard. “Just deciding to forgive someone doesn’t work very well,” Post wrote in his book, Why Good Things Happen to Good People. You need to work at it, especially because forgiveness takes time.
Here are a few of the exercises Post recommends in his book.
- Think about all your grudges and resentments, large and small. Then imagine each of these grudges as a potato. Put all those imaginary potatoes in an imaginary sack and carry them around with you. Pretty heavy, right? Seeing this weight of negative emotion in your life can motivate you to forgive.
- Examine those hurts and injustices that cause you pain. This may be difficult.
- Consider the other person. Ask yourself: “Is it possible to see this person as a member of humanity, who, like me, is flawed?”
- Write down a definition of forgiveness you feel comfortable with.
- Release that negative emotion to God, or the universe, or however you conceive of that which is bigger than yourself.
Post emphasizes that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Reconciliation may require that the other person feels sorry for what they’ve done. Forgiveness is about you making that internal change for yourself, rather than being trapped by another person’s stubbornness.
I’ve tried to take these steps when it comes to my friend who won’t come to see me. It’s not easy, and at moments I still feel resentful. But guess what? Just last week that friend called with a question: Could she come over for a visit?
(PHOTO: 123RF)
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The connection between emotional, spiritual, and physical health is a strong one. As a pastor and fitness coach I encourage clients and congregation to strengthed all three to experience life the way God intended it to be. Together we are pursuing “genuine faith and lifelong fitness” at http://FaithFirstFitness.com
I have now to forgive becouse it allow use you to be stress free and give you the spirit of the Lord to dwell in you.
I, too, felt betrayed by a long time friend who always wanted me to travel to her place and spend the weekend or just come up for a visit. However, she never returned the gesture, even though I found out there were several times she was in my city and never stopped by to visit. She would call sometimes, but never come over. Then one day she invited me up for a party, but I didn’t go. I told her I wasn’t coming up there again until she came down to stay and visit with me. This year, she unexpectedly went into cardiac arrest during an asthma attack. She never recovered, and I lost a truly good friend that I was never able to tell her how much she meant to me as a friend. So, don’t let the little things get in the way of a good, solid friendship. Life’s too short and you never know what’s going to happen in the next minute!
Fantastic article… it’s incredible how the act of forgiveness can impact our emotional well-being.
Here’s a silly question- if she’s that good of a friend, have you ever asked her why she hasn’t visited you? Maybe she doesn’t really like flying… or maybe, if you still live where you two grew up, she has some issue with that town… not you at all.
Another perspective to consider, is that her not coming to visit you does not mean anything… and there is nothing to forgive.
forgivness is good but how do you forgive a mother for not loving you and treating you like crap my whole life and to even make it worse she died three years ago