The problem with losing a pregnancy after you have given birth to healthy children is that you know precisely what you’ve lost. I should know. I just recently experienced another miscarriage, bringing our casualty stats to three.
I knew I was pregnant for a week this time, having taken a pregnancy test and glimpsed the coveted two lines—there was hCG in my urine! I was knocked up!
But I knew my odds weren’t great, having suffered two miscarriages in the past. Now at the age of 37, even women with no history of pregnancy loss have higher incidences of miscarriage. (The risk is 20%–35%, according to the American Pregnancy Association).
After I spied those two lines, every trip to the bathroom was filled with trepidation and the mantra-like repetition of “No blood. No blood. No blood.” Then, this morning, there was blood. A lot of it. And uterine cramping like crazy. It felt just like the first time I lost a pregnancy.
My first miscarriage
Six weeks pregnant in late June 2006, I went to the toilet and saw the first spot of blood on the toilet paper.
“That’s not good,” I said gravely from the bathroom.
“What?” asked my husband, Richard, through the door.
“Blood. We’re not supposed to be seeing blood right now.”
I immediately went to bed, willing the bleeding to stop. And Rich got to googling “bleeding during the first trimester.” “It might be nothing! I bet it’s nothing,” he said.
While spotting does not necessarily presage miscarriage, I had a bad feeling about it. But I grimly muttered, “I hope you’re right.”
Then, a few hours later, I called from the bathroom once more, “It’s happening. It’s started.” The bleeding had grown heavy and there was some clotting. I knew the pregnancy was lost.
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Comments (23)
It’s all too common and too little talked about. My heart breaks for you and Rich. I wouldn’t presume to tell you how to cope with the loss. In the meanwhile, just take comfort in your two adorable children and rest on the support and of your friends and family.
Love from Carolina.
Your third fabulous, beautiful genius child will come to join us soon. Know it deep inside. Just know it. Sending strength and lots of hugs,
Nicole
Wow, you are a really well versed writer. I enjoyed reading your post, even with the nature of the topic. Keep writing and in turn I will keep reading! Keep the faith and let your husband know that for now he must continue to be a producer and not yet an entertainer!(That’s from Kenn, LOL)
What a great article. Not a happy topic, I know, but something that should be talked about more. I’m so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for your next bundle of joy. He/she will be perfect. I have faith.
Thanks for sharing with us, I know that this article will be of help and encouragement to many. My prayers and thoughts are with your beautiful family.
What a strong woman you are, Erica. No one can understand this kind of loss like a mother can. You will have three beautiul angels watching over your family. Take Care.
Erica, my thoughts are with you and Rich, I am so sorry for the loss you have suffered, it seems so unfair that this should happen to you again and again – you are such a strong woman, good on you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on this topic. Sending lots of love from Australia, sach xxxxx
Great and sad. You nailed it exactly.
So very, very sorry, Erica. You continue to inspire with your elegant, poignant writing.
You wrote “I was surprised that my doctor didn’t address the emotional aspect of it, and that so few other people knew what to say.” and I say EXACTLY.
I am currenly raging a war against the “just” put before miscarriage…as in, “Oh, it was just a miscarriage”. Or in other words, I wrote a 16 page proposal for my local hospital to revamp their loss support program, well to create one really.
So sorry for all your losses, five kids – whew that’s a group!
I’m very sorry for your loss but you already have 2 beautiful children. Some women don’t even get to have one child. Appreciate what you have, maybe that’s all you were meant to need.
I am so sorry for your losses.
My wife and I have had two miscarriages. We have one girl that was concieved and born exactly when we wanted her to be. It could not have gone more perfectly, well overall. Then we waited maybe a year and tried and got pregnant pretty quickly. We realy only knew for a few weeks before she lost it. She lost it the weekend before we were to see the doctor. It was so hard, but we knew we wanted more. So we tried for over three years and then one day, it worked. Everything was going smoothly. We saw the ’shape’, heard the heart, etc. Then my wife started spotting a few weeks later and so we went in for her to be checked out. From the ultrasound, we found the baby had not grown from the last ultra sound two weeks prior and there was no heartbeat. And my wife had to endure loosing this pregnancy at home in the bathroom for hours and hours and she bled heavily for days afterwards. This one took a huge emotional toll on us, my wife especially. She has not been the same since and it has been several months. She is dealing with the feeling of loss as well as guilt for wanting another so bad, when our daughter is so amazing. Well, now we are pregnant again and this time, the doctors’ have caught some things that could lead to miscarriages and we are taking measures to fix those things. I am doing my best to keep my wife’s spirits up, but she just cannot get excited because she is so afraid to lose the baby again. It is just going to be a long waiting game for now. We go back for another ultra sound in a week and it will be a tense day for sure until we see what has developed.
I cannot know entirely what a toll it has taken on you, but I know how I was affected and I see how my wife is. I wish you good luck.
Thank you so much for your supportive comments, and my heart goes out to those who have found themselves in the same boat. It is truly heartwrenching, and I particularly sympathize with the father who commented about his wife’s pregnancies, so similar to my own losses. I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting a sibling for your amazing daughter — there is something about experiencing miscarriage for me that makes me want to have even more children. I wonder if other women feel that way?
Twenty-plus years ago, my doctors told me that three (miscarriages, in this case) creates a pattern and can be treated. They were right in my case: with the help of Clomid and Projesterone, I now have a 23-year-old daugher and a 20-year-old son. (BTW, I had no desire to even try for a child #3.) Each miscarriage was devestating, but had I carried the first one to term, I would have some other 23-year-old child, and had I carried any one of them to term, I would not have my son. The day I realized that, I stopped grieving. The childred I bore are not “replacements,” they are the only ones I know. I would go through any number of miscarriages to keep these two perfect (yeah, well, you know what I mean:)) young adults.
Nothing anyone can say will reduce your grief. People know that and try anyway–and fail. Sometimes they fail in ways that come out hurtful. Let yourself be angry if you prefer, or take a deep breath and accept the comfort. And know that in 20+ years, you will look at your children and the love of what is will far outweigh the grief of what is not.
I know what you are feeling (I’m sorry if that sounds trite) My 1st child was the perfect pregnancy, a plump blonde angel who slept through the night a 5 weeks. When I became pregnant again when he was two months old I thought ‘Well, they’ll be close’ I lost my second child at 6 months. It turns out that I have something called ‘abruptio placenta’ & there’s not a damn thing they can do for it. When something like that happens all you think is that its your fault somehow; there’s no reasoning with you. I’ve heard all the platitudes, some kind, but most with no understanding that this was your child, too. “You’ll have another”; these aren’t shoes, damn it. By the grace of God I managed to hang on to my third pregnancy, my beautiful daughter, only to lose one more at 5 1/2 months a few years later. I truly believe its made me a better parent & a better teacher, though I wouldn’t wish the pain of it on anyone. By the way, my surviving children are 29 & 27; there were no support groups back in those dark ages. I was put in the geriatric ward to await my D&Cs so as not to upset the ‘real’ mothers (or so one nurse told me) You’ll never truly ‘get over it’, but you will look at the children that you have with different eyes, seeing the little ghosts, too. I wish your family all the luck in the world.
Erica – I am so sorry for your losses. I too have had multiple early miscarriages (at least four). Later on I quit doing early pregancy tests, just waiting it out for a few weeks to see what happened. We lost two before our first son was born and two more after. I can totally relate to your anguish and difficulty in hoping that “this time will be different”. In our case, they did a ton of testing including genetics on my husband and I and they could never come up with a reason. I’m not sure if that made it worse or not, the thought that there wasn’t anything to “do” to improve our chances. We had pretty much given up on the fertility angle and were looking into international adoption when we got pregnant with identical girls. It was an extremely nerve racking pregnancy. (I think with our history of loss there isn’t any other kind.) But today we have healthy, happy 20 mos old twin girls. You won’t forget the ones you lost but the grief lessens a little over time. Good luck to you and your family. I’ll keep you in my prayers that what is supposed to happen will do so. You never know, you could end up like me – a 41 year old having twins!!:)
I have never had a miscarriage, but my Mom did, back in 1961. She was pregnant with a girl at the time. Six months later, she went to the doctor, thinking she was going through “the change” as they called it back then (she was 41), and surprise! she was pregnant with me! If she had not miscarried her previous pregnancy, I would never be here. I myself had severe pre-eclampsia with my first pregnancy and my daughter was delivered by emergency C-section at 26 weeks gestation, weighing 1 pound, 8.25 ounces. Fourteen years later, she is a happy, healthly, beautiful, perfect young woman who brings joy to my life each and every day. The doctor told me I could get pregnant again but would never carry to term – I could go maybe 30 weeks and maybe have a 3 pound baby, but he/she might not be as healthy as my first preemie, plus I could be putting my life at risk as well. The stakes were just too high and my husband and I chose not to pursue having any more children, even though we had both wanted more. I am thankful and blessed for each day with my daughter. My husband and I constantly ask each other, “Do you know how lucky we are?” Sometimes there is a reason for what happens. Not bad for two gals (my daughter and myself) who were not supposed to be here!
I know exactly how you feel, I having been there three times. The only difference is that I have no children alive. The longest I have gone is five months and even with asprin, progesterone, a sutre (stitch of the cervix) bed rest, the babies died. Faith is not what I have now. I have been trying to conceive for nearly a year without success and giving up daily. I think maybe motherhood is just not for me ……. sad, angry, confused, depressed are just some of the words I can use to describe how I feel. Maybe one day I can hold my baby, but I am getting older, I am 35 and my eggs are aging as I type. Anyhow, it was just good to know that I am not alone in this.
Your story is so touching and I am very sorry for your losses!
I have a son who is almost three and I have had two miscarriages in the last year! First time I was 12 weeks and the last time which was 5 weeks ago I was 8 weeks.
I just found out tonight that I am pregnant again! I am trying not to get too excited because I never thought it would happen twice and it did, so I can never be too sure about the third!
No one understands how it feels… well people may handle it differently but I look at my son and I just know that those two babies were just like him and that’s what it felt like I was losing!
My husband has felt bad and all but he doesn’t fully understand. I have decided that I am going to wait to announce my pregnancy to him and everyone else.
I am hoping this baby will wanna be a part of our family!
I wish you all the luck in the world and you are not alone… it happens to many!
Dear Erica,
I am so sorry for your losses but thank you for sharing your feelings, I found myself nodding when reading ‘things not to say’. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for the last 2.5 years and within the last year I have concieved and miscarried 3 times. My third is starting as we speak, and I am waiting anxiously for the severe cramping and restlesness to start. My first missed miscarriage was spotted at what I thought was a ten week scan (after a week of mild brown spotting), and the embryo had stopped at 7.5 weeks. The second was a very early miscarriage, it kind of took me by surprise and then this one. This one I was negative about from the start but after seeing the heartbeat at 6 weeks I started to go along with my husbands optimism. Soon after though my negative feelings came back and here we are again, waiting for the inevitable. At the same time, my best friend is expecting her little girl any day now and whilst I am so happy for her, it just makes me feel so much worse, especially when all the talk with my friends is about her baby. I am devastated this time and I get frustrated in my works attitude of ‘when will you be back at work’. Kind of carrying on as normal – but how can you put a time limit on grief? I haven’t felt like myself all of this year and am struggling now not to feel anger or frustration. I will follow your story and wish you the best of luck.
Thank you for talking about this painfull topic. I am facing my 7th miscarriage and it never gets any easier; the grief, anger and frustration is just too overwellming to explain here. All my miscarriages happened between 6 and 8 weeks, somehow after we have the chance to hear the heart beat and fill ouselves with lots of hope, wham! the next ultrasound shows no heart activity and spotting comes right after with the enevitable… It does not make you feel like a women anymore, your self image is of damaged goods and anger towards those that are able to have what your body can’t. We are financially and medically clean, all kinds of tests and studies showed no conclusive cause. All we want is a reason or explanation why us, or why miscarriages are so frequent even after you hear the normal heart beat of 109 at 6 weeks?? Keep the hope and Good luck!
if you have had multiple miscariages you might want to ask the Dr to perform a blood test called leiden factor V., it is a blood clotting disorder that can cause multiple miscarriages……..most people don’t know they have it unless someone in the family has it. good luck!
I found your story after I just experienced my third miscarriage as well. Your story gives me hope that we may have another healthy sibling for my nearly 3 year old son. After waiting a few cycles and trying again, my doctor suggests I begin taking progesterone once I get a positive pregnancy test. I wish you luck in your pregnancy! The posts are supportive in helping others like myself go through the grief of another miscarriage….