After my three miscarriages, several older people have told me they were sorry about my “disappointment.” “What disappointment?” I always want to ask. I’m disappointed when Lost is a rerun; I’m devastated when I lose the chance to bring a child into the world.
But that euphemistic approach to discussing pregnancy loss is at the heart of why so many people have no idea what to say after you’ve had a miscarriage. Even though it’s surprisingly common, no one talks about it.
Before my own pregnancy losses, I had no idea what to say either. I would try to cheer up the mourning family and change the subject, thinking that an upbeat countenance was all it took to weather a loss so…small.
But now I know better. For me, and for many women, miscarriage is a death—even if it’s very early, even if it’s what’s known as a chemical pregnancy. To me, that little life was my child, and the best thing someone can say to me is “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Flowers, hot meals, wine, and child care are appropriate. This is grieving, plain and simple, not just a long menstrual cycle that didn’t turn into a baby. Mentioning my miscarriage is not going to unhappily “remind” me of my grief—I’m already thinking about it. But acknowledging my loss helps me heal.
Next page: What hurts and what helps
Comments (8)
When I miscarried, I was so encouraged by the loving words from my friends at church. Many of them had experienced a loss of their own and knew what I needed to hear.
This is such an important and well-thought out article, Erica. I am sorry for your loss and impressed to no end by how grounded you are. Best wishes to you.
Ooooooh! If you like to hear my voice I’m going to start leaving showtune messages. I went to a Fame highschool. ;)
And hey—the other day I wasn’t trying to imply you were too skinny—I was just trying to help you rationalize your depression-induced increased food intake. Which probably came out wrong. Get your booty to Red Lobster, why dontcha? Hmmm…that came.. out…wrong…too.
Also—great article. At least know that you can help other women through this too and that through your pain you can help some other mamas through their own horrible losses. Hopefully that can act as a small healing balm for your soul.
I am thinking of you every day. This article strikes a particular chord because I feel exactly the same way about the way people react to my grief over my father’s death. It’s been a WHOLE YEAR already. Patience is running thin.
A loss is a loss and everyone DOES grieve in his or her own way. I’m glad your bringing awareness to the issue of a miscarriage and/or stillbirth being a primary loss to the parents and, I think, especially the mother. I’m sure I’ve said some clueless things in my day, but I won’t ever again. There is a big dividing line between those who have grieved a major loss and those who have not. Those who have understand exactly what to say and what is needed. Those who have not shift around from foot to foot and try to create distractions. It might help you to know that I focus on having compassion for those people. One day, they too will be slammed with an almost unbearable grief. I envy their innocence, and hope they get to keep it as long as possible.
Lots of hugs!
Sending love and hugs…I’m here for you.
I sympathasize tremendously for any woman who has had to experience the loss of a child – born or unborn..
The irony is, for women who suffer miscarriages, it is the loss of their child, but women who choose abortions at potentially the same point of pregnancy, are exercizing their right to do what they want to “their bodies”.
Very sorry to hear about your loss. It’s true, people can be so insensitive and clueless when they have not experienced the same grief. I also had a miscarriage before, and now that I am 14 weeks pregnant in a high risk pregnancy, and the fear of miscarrying is always in the back of my mind. My heart and prayers go out to you. I wish you the best of luck in your next attempt. Always remember that you are a fighter — especially on the days when you don’t feel like one. much love, carol